- December 22nd, 2011
Today is all about reprogramming. I want to slow down, take a break, relax, and stop thinking... ok, the last is impossible. Why is it that some people are so sensitive, so inspired by even the smallest detail, have so much energy & electricity in side them, that it is almost uncontrollable? Is there anything one can do with so much energy and stimulation?
I find myself sitting in this dilemma and for a total lifetime. That's a long time. haha I know so many people that live a normal life, with goods, bads, evils, and great times, but they seem to be monotone. Nothing too high and nothing too low. In one aspect, I dream for such a life, and on the other hand, I would miss out on the richness of life. The tastes and flavors of those sweet little details that make your heart glow.
So what is my point anyway? Really, I want some balance, I long to reprogram so I can be a little closer to those that seem to take life as "grey".. no white and no black, and no bright reds and yellows either. How do I do it? How can I stop being one of those lights that turns on with just the smallest sound. ...you know, like the one outside your house or in an apartment hallway.
The problem is, I understand about life. I understand the good comes with bad and the bad comes with good. I can accept it. ...in a practical sense. Unfortunately, I cannot in an emotional sense. If something is not perfect, then I automatically must find a solution. If I look forward and the path looks wrong, I need to fix that too. If my first try doesn't work, I am thinking of another and then another... So in other words, I have a hard time "accepting" life as it is and lack the understanding that many times, it is supposed to be this way.
I seem to be normal and have a love for life and the people and beauty it holds. I have a real belief of life and death and here and there. Maybe the two sides have no door so I feel I go back and forth... which would lend one to feel a little uneasy. Probably an over energetic imagination is to blame here. One more uncontrollable issue that I wish to reprogram. Ok another time... one thing at a time. :-)
So maybe, this is the real issue, I just do not have confidence in destiny. I always thought I believed in destiny but maybe on the good side of it. If I felt my path was pre-programmed, then I could just dance through my life enjoying each little detail. Instead, I feel I have to make things happen all the time. Life is so complicated right now. Many important decisions I need to make seem painful as either way I can go, there is a problem. How do I choose my path? How do I push in one direction, when both directions look wrong?
Well, after all this chatting in circles, I still feel like I am in the same place. But maybe with my mind a little clearer and my confidence a little stronger. I am sure that everyone faces certain, uncertainties, but then so many are just bored with their life. No, I don't want to trade, I just need more asprin for the headaches, and a nice glass of red wine for the sad heart when it cries. Life could not be better. I know that. I am more lucky and fortunate than many, I know that too. I just need to find my way out of this thick fog and all will be good once more. I need to channel my energy in a more productive manner, and that is where the reprogramming comes in.
I think I just need to know that everything will fall into place without pushing so hard in any direction. I should know this by practicing Taiji. Ha When you play Taiji, you use the least amount of energy, but at the same time, your strength is at its highest level. I can rely on technology for communication and I can feel I have a future without being homeless and eating scraps beside the road. Sounds like a movie scene, but in my mind, I feel if I don't make the right decisions, if I don't reprogram my emotions, I just might live it.
My feet fell like they are stuck in the mud and my head is surrounded with thick fog so I am unable to see in front of me. In that position, maybe the best thing to do is "rest, relax, and enjoy the excuse to be still for a moment" I can save all of this inspired energy for something bigger and brighter, for when its ready to arrive. Right? :-)
2011 December 22nd Laurel Sandquist
PS: Thank you Anna for giving me a place to leave all this thought that is congesting my mind.