Merry Christmas
I have always contemplated the Christmas holiday, so this year is no exception.  And although it is a separate holiday, I always seem to tie it together with the New Year's celebration.  So much focus on life, life's ambitions, and concept of rationalizing our own existence.  I feel it is a birth, a celebration, and a renewal.  I feel it is a time to look inside one's self and also look outward.  Look through the thick mist of "busy" that everyone has and slow down to see through to all hearts, to feel all heart, and to hear their needs.  To be successful though, I must get past my own.  haha  Some years I am better at this than this one.  I apologize to the world of friends and family for I am caught in my own trap of dilema to break through the thickness of the busy and complicated practical environment.  I throw out images and words, but still I feel pathetically lacking.  Since when shall I be so small?  Sorry Sorry.  It is never too late to regroup though.  I struggle for time to organize my messy world in which I exist, but if I am not a quitter, I will find the time, I can strategize, organize, minimize, and be able to get back to my meaning for living.  Yipi !  I am surrounded by so many beautiful people.  I really want to be here for them.  Help me God, I really do.  I always say, you must be healthy and strong if you want to be anything for anyone.  I need to take my own advice and see how true it really is. 

2011 December 25th                     Laurel Sandquist

Today is all about reprogramming.
Today is all about reprogramming.  I want to slow down, take a break, relax, and stop thinking... ok, the last is impossible. Why is it that some people are so sensitive, so inspired by even the smallest detail, have so much energy & electricity in side them, that it is almost uncontrollable?  Is there anything one can do with so much energy and stimulation?

I find myself sitting in this dilemma and for a total lifetime.  That's a long time.  haha  I know so many people that live a normal life, with goods, bads, evils, and great times, but they seem to be monotone.  Nothing too high and nothing too low.  In one aspect, I dream for such a life, and on the other hand, I would miss out on the richness of life.  The tastes and flavors of those sweet little details that make your heart glow.

So what is my point anyway?  Really, I want some balance, I long to reprogram so I can be a little closer to those that seem to take life as "grey".. no white and no black, and no bright reds and yellows either.  How do I do it? How can I stop being one of those lights that turns on with just the smallest sound. know, like the one outside your house or in an apartment hallway. 

The problem is, I understand about life.  I understand the good comes with bad and the bad comes with good.  I can accept it. a practical sense.  Unfortunately, I cannot in an emotional sense.  If something is not perfect, then I automatically must find a solution.  If I look forward and the path looks wrong, I need to fix that too.  If my first try doesn't work, I am thinking of another and then another... So in other words, I have a hard time "accepting" life as it is and lack the understanding that many times, it is supposed to be this way.

I seem to be normal and have a love for life and the people and beauty it holds.  I have a real belief of life and death and here and there.  Maybe the two sides have no door so I feel I go back and forth... which would lend one to feel a little uneasy.  Probably an over energetic imagination is to blame here.  One more uncontrollable issue that I wish to reprogram.  Ok another time... one thing at a time. :-)

So maybe, this is the real issue, I just do not have confidence in destiny.  I always thought I believed in destiny but maybe on the good side of it.  If I felt my path was pre-programmed, then I could just dance through my life enjoying each little detail. Instead, I feel I have to make things happen all the time.  Life is so complicated right now.  Many important decisions I need to make seem painful as either way I can go, there is a problem.  How do I choose my path? How do I push in one direction, when both directions look wrong?

Well, after all this chatting in circles, I still feel like I am in the same place.  But maybe with my mind a little clearer and my confidence a little stronger.  I am sure that everyone faces certain, uncertainties, but then so many are just bored with their life.  No, I don't want to trade, I just need more asprin for the headaches, and a nice glass of red wine for the sad heart when it cries.  Life could not be better.  I know that.  I am more lucky and fortunate than many, I know that too.  I just need to find my way out of this thick fog and all will be good once more.  I need to channel my energy in a more productive manner, and that is where the reprogramming comes in.

I think I just need to know that everything will fall into place without pushing so hard in any direction. I should know this by practicing Taiji. Ha  When you play Taiji, you use the least amount of energy, but at the same time, your strength is at its highest level.  I can rely on technology for communication and I can feel I have a future without being homeless and eating scraps beside the road.  Sounds like a movie scene, but in my mind, I feel if I don't make the right decisions, if I don't reprogram my emotions, I just might live it. 

My feet fell like they are stuck in the mud and my head is surrounded with thick fog so I am unable to see in front of me.  In that position, maybe the best thing to do is "rest, relax, and enjoy the excuse to be still for a moment" I can save all of this inspired energy for something bigger and brighter, for when its ready to arrive.   Right?  :-)

2011  December 22nd                                                                     Laurel Sandquist

PS:  Thank you Anna for giving me a place to leave all this thought that is congesting my mind. 

"Frozen Stillness"
"Frozen Stillness"

    I stood there watching the wind whip through the trees.  Like an evil ghost tearing the leaves and throwing them down like rocks to the ground.  The wind so firgid crashed against my frost bitten face like being sandblasted with ice particles.  My body was shaking uncontrolably from the bitter cold which my clothing could not resist.

    As much as I tried, the stillness could not be obtained no matter how intense the effort.  I stood there in the dark, with feet covered in the blinding white snow.  Such a contrast to the heavenly warmth I longed for.  How could it be that destiny should drag me to such a cold and desolate place?  What is the purpose of unbearable conditions, I asked myself.

    And then, a soft voice from within answered, without hesitance or reserve.  It is a time to stop, for just one moment, to freeze in place and to feel pain in the most pure state.  With this, spring will come and life will bloom.  The sun will shine and day radiate warmth through the heart.  Through the cold frozen time, you gain so much.  You rest, you feel reality, and your heart slows, and you pay attention with such accuracy.

    So now that when spring is here, you will have the energy and the knowledge to bloom like a rose and through the summer, follow the road that was lay for you.  This is a cycle of destiny for some people, if not for all people.  Life will be warm and the sun will shine, then the cold will slowly make its way into the soul and freeze there, only to thaw once more and release the abundance of energy back into the world.

2011 December 15th                                               Laurel Sandquist

Hello!  My name is laurel.  I opened my livejournal so I can write to my friend when she posts her writing in her blog. 

I am not sure about journaling, but maybe it is a place to just write out thoughts into cyberspace.

Something like standing on top of a mountain and yelling out into the clear blue sky.  ..knowing maybe no one will hear or reply.  ...understand that writing is sometimes like breathing emotion.  Maybe the birds below will be listening. ( *-* )

Anyway, I am happy to open this journal to support my friend as she is a beautiful person.  Who knows what this wonderful site will bring.  Hopefully it will create a lot of happyiness for someone.  :-) laurel


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